Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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