He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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