I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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