at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
i just made my gag reflex go away.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
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