I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
