My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
