Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
