from now on my penis is your penis
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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