Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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