a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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