As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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