Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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