youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
