last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
