saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
