i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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