oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
