in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
