I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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