Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
