The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
