You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
