youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
