You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize