Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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