I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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