VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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