You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
