No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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