I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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