we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
