so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
