can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
id be glad to
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
