I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
