I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Rumble strips road head = magical
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
