Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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