There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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