god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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