do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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