Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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