Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
