Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
