i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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