i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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