I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Randomize
