So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
How does it feel to date your dad?
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
