The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I believe in your delicious
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
