I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I need to align my fucking chakras
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