I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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