Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
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