I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
