Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
