the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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