The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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