my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
