I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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