Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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