I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
