I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
