how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
being pregnant is like rehab
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
