my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
