Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
