How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Randomize
