We're facebook friends in real life
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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