I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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