just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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