Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize