I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
