i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
