What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
