I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
